Holding On
by tracyh
Summary: A look through Derek Shepherd's eyes at the aftermath of the season five finale. How do the staff of Seattle Grace deal with loss? Mostly MerDer but also an ensemble piece.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I couldn't help myself. I know I still have a fic to finish with Just One Second, but I just had to write something in response to the fifth season finale, and this is the result.**

**I have to say, this practically wrote itself. In one form or another it has been banging me over the head since last weekend, so the only thing to do was write it. It will have a second part, one which covers the events immediately after the finale finished, and it will get it quickly, especially if you review.**

**I want to also say that my references to Catholicism and the rituals within the Catholic church are by no means intended to offend or distress anyone, so please don't review just to flame me for that, but please do review.**

**Holding On**

It was funny how often the sun shone on funerals, Derek mused, standing at the graveside. A dim memory of another funeral, years ago, went through his mind. There was the dark oak coffin, the flowers and the mourners, all dressed in black, some weeping softly, some outright sobbing, and others, for whom the pain ran too deeply to be expressed in anything other than watching the coffin being placed in a hole in the ground, whilst the people left behind tried, first of all to understand how this could have happened, and then fought, with gritted teeth and tears that still refused to fall, the urge to jump right into the hole with the lost one, perhaps to plead with them to come back, or to hope that when they came to finally refill the hole with earth, no one would notice the living amongst the dead and they would get to stay with the loved one forever, and the sun shone.

Now, Derek withdrew from his memories, the taint of them sticking in his guts long after the images had faded as if they were a worn, faded photograph, this day, there were two coffins, and instead of his father, they held two of his fiancée's, no, he corrected himself, his _nearly_ wife's, closest friends, two of the people she thought of as her family, and still the sun shone.

At the thought of Meredith, Derek felt her slight weight against him. She stood to his left, leaning against him somewhere between his side and his chest. Her left arm was across her body, anyone looking would have thought she was hugging herself, but Derek knew different. The hand that lay on his chest, right over his heart, knew different. Surrounded by death, Meredith was holding on to life, clinging to a spark of light even on this darkest day. All the time her eyes hovered between the two coffins. It was like she was watching her friends have a rapid conversation, one where each of them fired words at her and she was expected to understand what each was saying and come up with a response that would make each of them happy, except this time there were no words, there was no one to please or piss off any more with an answer that didn't suit. There was no way of understanding what the hell was going on here, because even though practically every one of the people surrounding these graves was a doctor, a man or woman of science, there was no way to take in how two people that had been part of them could be gone, one from cancer and the other because he'd saved someone he didn't even know from being hit by a bus. The absurdity of the situation seemed to wash over Meredith and Derek felt the sigh that passed through her body. He pulled her closer, held her tighter in the arm that was around her waist and breathed in the scent of her hair, the warm lavender smell reminding him she was still there, alive. In response, the hand that lay on his chest seemed to press a little more firmly, like it needed some confirmation of its own, and then she sighed again, softer, a little more at peace. Just a little. It was enough.

Derek tried to take in what the priest was saying over the graves, but his eyes kept being drawn to the others around him. Next to Meredith stood Alex Karev, his head bowed, staring down at just the one coffin, his eyes drawn to it like a magnet. Of all the mourners, it was only Alex who had cried all the way through the service. He didn't wail or whimper, or give out any of the usual sounds associated with being in such awful pain. Instead, as he stood watching the coffin that held the woman he loved, Alex Karev shook with silent sobbing. Only briefly, when the sun seemed to suddenly shine a bit brighter for a second, Alex looked up, his eyes turned towards the unusually clear Seattle skies. He glared at the sun as if the golden rays it threw over the coffin of his love had committed a mortal sin, and Derek could feel the waves of agony pouring from him. Alex Karev looked like a scared little boy, lost and alone in some endless nightmare. He trembled as he stood, shaking because his foundation was gone and he couldn't see how he could go on without her. It was a feeling Derek knew, though he'd been reprieved from it when Meredith came back. The thought made him pull her even closer into his side, place his free hand over hers as it lay on his chest and grip, his fingers automatically entwining with hers.

Cristina Yang stood on Alex's other side, Owen Hunt behind her, one arm around her waist, the other with its hand on her shoulder in a grip that was sure to leave bruises. Cristina's hands gripped the arm around her waist in response and turned her head up a little to look at the man behind her. A flash of something passed between them, understanding, comfort, strength, love, and Derek watched as the hand on Cristina's shoulder slid around and rested on the other shoulder, lighter, more gentle, but still a constant presence. The change in position seemed to spark something in Cristina and suddenly she turned completely in Owen's arms, her back to the graves. Owen, taken by surprise for a moment by Cristina's movement, looked into her eyes, and then Derek heard Cristina begin to sob. The sound made Meredith raise her head from Derek's chest and turn towards her friend, though any movement she could have made was stalled by Alex between them. Then, within a second, the sound coming from Cristina Yang was muffled when Owen Hunt hauled her into his arms and held her for all he was worth. Both Derek and Meredith watched the other couple clinging together, each becoming a lifeline for the other, Cristina's face half concealed by Owen's jacket, and Owen closing his eyes while his mouth moved in whispered words of reassurance and love.

It took a few moments for Cristina's sobbing to ease a little, and then Meredith's head was on Derek's chest again as tears began to shine in her eyes. Seeing Cristina Yang break down seemed to confirm the magnitude of the loss they all felt. Cristina was hardcore, tough, hardened through and through, or so it seemed. Most people would never have imagined her falling apart in the way she just had, wouldn't have considered her capable of it. Appearances were clearly deceptive, or, was it just that this thing they were all going through was so enormous, so great, that even Cristina was touched by it?

Standing at the foot of Isobel Stevens' grave was her mother, Robbie. Everyone else attending the funeral chose dark colours to wear, black, grey, dark blue at the most. In comparison, Izzie's mother was wearing a deep shade of pink that made her stand out, but also seemed to separate her from everything going on around her. It was, Derek thought, probably her way of dealing with the loss of the daughter she'd hardly seen for well over a year. It might also be what Izzie would have wanted, he conceded. He took a moment to wonder what Izzie Stevens, perky, upbeat, almost overly positive Izzie Stevens, would have thought of all the muted colours the people she cared about most had chosen to wear to her funeral. Maybe her mother was the one that had got it right and if there was such a thing as an afterlife Izzie was somewhere laughing her head off at the solemnity of her friends.

However, when Derek turned his eyes away from Izzie's mother, he saw someone else, who in comparison was dressed almost entirely in black, with a look on her face that suggested that she was watching the world shatter into a million pieces and she couldn't work out how to fit everything back together and make it all right again. It was Mrs O'Malley, George's mother, and though Derek barely knew her, he knew she was broken. She looked old, Derek thought, smaller than he remembered, as if the loss of her sensitive youngest son had literally worn her down. It was the second funeral this woman would have attended in less than a year, the death of Mr. O'Malley, George's father, coming to the forefront of his mind. Perhaps, Derek thought, there was only so much loss a person could take, and Mrs O'Malley's point of endurance had already been reached, but, he thought, she wasn't alone in her loss. Flanking her were her elder sons, each looking uncomfortable, uncertain. They looked like they couldn't really take in what was happening, couldn't absorb the fact that the brother they'd never really understood, who'd never seemed to really fit in with his family, was really gone.

It was Mrs O'Malley who'd been responsible for the way this funeral was being held. A strong Catholic, she said she wanted her son to go to his grave properly, which meant, at least in her eyes, a long, drawn out church service and a burial, which involved more words and rituals. The idea, Derek knew, was to bring comfort to the grieving, but, he thought, how could it bring comfort when all the words and rituals in the world didn't even begin to reflect the people Izzie and George had been? Watching her again now, Derek couldn't see that Mrs O'Malley, or Izzie's mother, who as a Catholic herself was in favour of what Mrs O'Malley had in mind, looked any better for having gone through with this, in fact they both looked like they were finding it agonising. Derek made a mental note to himself to tell Meredith at some point what he wanted to happen for his funeral. He told himself that as much as his background was Catholic, he wasn't going to put Meredith through this, not again.

Callie Torres stood next to one of George's brothers, silently holding his hand while tears flowed down her face. Derek wondered who it was she was crying for, for George, who for a time she had been married to, or for the O'Malley's and the loss they had suffered. Then, as Derek watched, he realised how alone Callie seemed to be, as if she had no one and had only just realised. Maybe, Derek thought, giving some comfort to the O'Malley's was a comfort to her, from whatever pain she was in.

Lexie Grey was next to Callie, looking almost equally alone. Derek remembered earlier, when they'd taken their places at the graves. Meredith had asked Lexie to come and stand with her. He remembered the rush of pride that went through him when she did it, casting his mind back to times when Meredith even denied Lexie as a sister. It brought home to him how much she had changed lately, though the state of their relationship and their short do-it-yourself, post-it note wedding had already done more than enough to show that. But Lexie, seeing Meredith by Derek's side, already leaning gently on him, had said no, she would stand next to Callie in case Mark turned up. Derek had to force himself not to say that Mark would never turn up, he could be counted on to be unreliable, but he'd held his tongue. He had a feeling that as much as she was trying to persuade herself otherwise, Lexie knew Mark Sloan wouldn't show, but he couldn't help wondering what Mark was hiding from, was it the funeral, or had he messed things up with Lexie somehow?

Completing the mourners was Miranda Bailey and the Chief

Bailey stood at George's grave almost directly in front of the three remaining group of her residents. Throughout the service she'd watched the three of them, kept her eyes on them like a mother hen. It struck Derek how much she cared for the group she'd raised from interns to residents, how she took notice of everything in their lives. It made him see how hard it must be for her to see the pain each of them was in and not be able to do anything. He knew how shattered she must be to know that her group of five was reduced to three, right under her nose, and she hadn't been able to do a thing to prevent it, no matter how hard she'd tried.

The Chief was next to Bailey. He stood almost ramrod straight, staring over the coffins, as if he thought that watching them long enough would change something. Then, when it didn't, his eyes would flick to Derek's and then to Meredith at his side. The action made Derek stand up a little straighter, made him tighten the arm around Meredith's waist that bit more. Then the Chief's eyes would fall on the coffins again and he would stand, his jaw making tiny, almost invisible movements as he ground his teeth together.

Eventually, Derek heard the words that indicated that the service was coming to and end. The coffins were lowered into the ground and slowly, people began to slip away, each of them casting one last look towards the graves. Callie went first, hugging George's family in turn, telling Mrs O'Malley that if she ever needed anything she knew where to come. Then she drifted away, wiping tears from her cheeks.

Lexie came round to Meredith and hugged her quickly, before giving her a weak smile, she left. The Chief followed, suddenly unsure of himself. He seemed to take a second to decide what to do, before he went first to Izzie's mother, shaking her hand and telling her how sorry he was for her loss and what a fine doctor Izzie would have been. Then he went to Mrs O'Malley and repeated the same and telling her how much he'd admired George, how hard working he was. Mrs O'Malley's eyes glowed with pride at the words. She looked at George's coffin almost as if she was saying, 'Did you hear that Georgie?' Then, without another word, she turned into the Chief's arms and held him, just for a moment. She released him and then she told her remaining sons that it was time to go and they followed her away from the grave, none of them looking back, even for a second.

The Chief lingered a moment longer. He went over to Alex and patted him on the back. Alex made no response, didn't indicate he'd even heard what the Chief said to him. He continued to stare at the hole in the ground that now held Izzie's coffin, and silent tears still poured down his face.

It was only as she was leaving that Izzie's mother's control slipped. All through the service she'd been dry-eyed. At various points her lips had cracked into something that resembled a smile. Perhaps, Derek thought, she was remembering times from the past, memories of good times, birthdays, Christmases, and the hundred and one other things people share with their loved ones. Now, at this point of final parting, it all seemed to hit the woman. Miranda Bailey moved to comfort her, to say something, but Robbie glared so viciously over the grave at her that Miranda stood back. Then, beginning to sob loudly, Robbie left, alone and isolated as when she'd arrived.

Only six of them stood around the grave now, the three residents, Derek, Owen and Bailey. They all stood in silence, each lost in their own thoughts, their own loss, and, Derek thought, maybe the three of them, Meredith, Cristina and Alex, were trying to hold on just a bit longer, trying to put off the moment when they wouldn't all be together ever again. He wasn't surprised when he felt Meredith take her head off his chest and stand up straight. It didn't even surprise him when Cristina stirred in Owen's arms and turned towards Meredith, who nodded softly and turned to Derek.

"We're just going to be a minute…We just….Alex and us…It's…"

Derek knew what she was trying to say. The three of them needed a moment. Just a moment to themselves, to think, to talk, to say goodbye to their friends.

"It's okay. You take as long as you need. I'll go and wait over there." He indicated a group of trees on the edge of the cemetery. "Take your time, there's no hurry." Derek leaned down and kissed Meredith softly and she smiled in response, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. Then, releasing her, he watched as she moved towards Cristina, and together they wordlessly retook their places by Alex Karev's side.

**A/N So, there we are. I hope it's good, but I will know if you review. A bit more soon, I hope. By the way, I have just started work again on Just One Second, so watch this space, and if you are interested on my views on all things Grey's, including my thoughts on the finale, you can take a look at my LiveJournal. The address for it is in my profile.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N My sincere thanks to those of you who sent such lovely feedback to the first part of this, it's very kind. This second part would have been up a day or so ago but I have a problem with my back that makes sitting in one position to write for long a bit painful, so my thanks to you all for waiting.**

**I agree with those of you who said the first part of this is sad. I don't suppose something set at a funeral could be anything but sad, but hopefully this part, if it goes how it should, will end on a happier note, or at least on something that is a little more hopeful.**

**Just so you understand, this part will be more Meredith and Derek focused with mentions of the other characters. As I said before, I want to take you back from the point where the fifth season finale finished and show you what happens between then and the funeral you read in the previous chapter and how this touches the characters. The parts in this you will see in italics are Derek's memories of the time from the point where George and Izzie die up to the moment after the funeral.**

**I must say that I forgot to do a disclaimer for the first chapter of this, so I'm doing it now. I definitely do not own Grey's Anatomy. I do however, own a pad of post-its, but mine are yellow and not blue and I doubt I'll be having a wedding on them any time soon.**

**As ever, please read and review, but most of all, enjoy.**

Derek stood, as he'd told Meredith, under the large trees on the edge of the cemetery. From where he was standing he could just about see her next to Cristina Yang, both of them looking unsure and uncertain of what to do, as if they both thought that joining Alex had been a good idea in theory, but now they were there, they didn't know what the next step was. Then, slowly, they moved, each of them taking their places again, one on each side of Alex Karev, where he stood, hands deep in his trouser pockets, his head bowed deeply over the graves.

This was like them, Derek thought, or rather, it was like Meredith. Time and time again she'd done everything she could to keep her group of friends, her family, together, and now she was doing it again. He watched the three of them, Meredith and Cristina's slight forms almost over-towered by the taller figure of Alex Karev, who, even though he was weighed down by grief, still stood head and shoulders above the two women, and surprised himself by feeling no jealousy. As he stood there, Derek knew he didn't have to feel jealous of how close Meredith was to her friends, he didn't have to feel excluded or threatened by it, because he was part of it too now.

"_They're who I have. You and them."_

The words Meredith spoke just weeks before went through Derek's mind. It seemed like a million years ago since those first days after first moving in with Meredith, when they thought that at last they'd found their happily ever after, until they realised that it wasn't that easy, that happily ever after, even if you really wanted it, had to be worked for, so they had, and even though they'd hit bumps in the road, like when he killed a patient and dealt with it by drinking and hiding away in the trailer, they'd got there. Until this.

Suddenly, Derek sensed the approach of someone else. He took his eyes off Meredith, looked up and saw Miranda Bailey and Owen Hunt walking towards him. They had obviously followed his lead and left the three residents alone for a while. As they neared Derek could hear them having a muted conversation, perhaps about the three friends standing by the graves, or the two inside them, he couldn't tell. Soon they arrived by his side, Miranda meeting his gaze with something akin to a frown and Owen nodding at both of them before taking his leave to sit in his car and wait for Cristina. Perhaps, Derek thought, it wasn't only Meredith and her friends who needed a moment alone.

When they were alone Derek took a sidelong glance at Miranda Bailey. Just like him she stood under the shadow of the trees, her eyes trained ahead, watching the small group at the graveside.

"You okay?" Derek asked, after a long moment of silence. He knew it was a stupid question. He knew that after today, after the last week, none of them were okay.

He heard something that if he didn't know better he would swear was a chuckle. Miranda Bailey didn't chuckle.

"Izzie's mother hates me." Bailey replied, without any preamble.

Derek shook his head automatically, remembering the way Izzie's mother had looked at Bailey when she moved to comfort her. It had stopped even Bailey in her tracks, but she'd just buried her daughter and she was upset. It was enough to make the most reasonable person over-react.

"She's just buried her only child Miranda, you of all people know…."

"I told her that her daughter, her _only_ child, was going to be all right Derek, and now she's dead. Her mother hates me." Miranda Bailey had to fight to keep her voice low. Derek could see the struggle in her eyes, the emotion she was fighting with.

"So why did you do it then, you knew Izzie's prognosis, you knew the odds, so why did you tell her mother she could go?"

Miranda half smiled, shaking her head. "I did it for Izzie. She knew that her mother wouldn't take it all on board, the cancer, the treatment, all of it, so she needed her to not see it. So, seeing as I'd called and asked her mother to come here, I decided I had to undo it. I told her that Izzie was practically clear, and now…"

"So you lied and now you can't handle it?" Derek Shepherd knew he was being provocative. He didn't have to wait too long for Bailey to react.

"No, I did it for Stevens, because she couldn't deal with the cancer and her mother, I…She was my patient, and I did…..I did what I thought was best for my patient." As she finished speaking something in Bailey's eyes showed that she understood what Derek had done. She glared at him.

Derek edged a little closer to the woman beside him. "Yes, you did what you thought was best for your patient."

"But her mother still hates me." Bailey didn't say anything else. She allowed the words to hang in the air. Her eyes remained, as did Derek's, focused on the small group of people still standing at the graves.

Derek sighed. "Look, if it was me I would want my family here. I would want a chance to say goodbye, but if….If it was Meredith…" Derek had to force down a lump that suddenly rose in his throat. "If it was Meredith she wouldn't want Thatcher here, fussing around her and saying all the things he thinks she needs him to say. She would want her friends, the people she cares about and…. Me." Derek couldn't help the small smile that crept across his face, not at the thought of losing Meredith, but at the thought that he could safely think of himself as part of her inner circle. She'd let him get that close.

"Arrogant." Miranda Bailey replied dryly, shaking her head, but a soft smile touched her own lips.

Derek nodded. "I know." Now he smiled properly, allowing it to stretch across his face. Then he became more serious. "I'm just saying that you did what you thought was right for Izzie when you asked her mother to come out here and you did it again when you told her that Izzie would be all right. You couldn't have known how fast Izzie was going to deteriorate. None of us could."

Bailey nodded, her eyes showing she got it, but still, the doubt remained. "But if I'd told her the truth she would have been here when Izzie deteriorated. She would have got a chance to say goodbye." She frowned and took her eyes off her residents for the first time to look directly at Derek.

Derek sighed heavily, meeting Bailey's eyes with his own. "When I was ten my Dad was shot. Some people tried to rob his store and when he wouldn't hand over his watch they shot him and he died at the scene."

Derek watched Miranda Bailey absorbing his words. Her mouth hung slightly open in shock. He went on, turning his eyes back to Meredith in the distance. It was easier, he told himself, to talk about his past while he was looking at his future. "As I got older I told myself that it would have been better if I'd been there, maybe I could have done something or said something to make it better somehow, but now I think it was probably better for my Dad and for me that I wasn't there, because I was ten and there was nothing I could have done. My Dad was dead the second the bullet hit him Miranda, and whether I'd been there or not, it wouldn't have made the damndest bit of difference. If I'd been there he would have spent his last few seconds worrying about me and whether I was all right. Instead, he just slipped away, because even though he would have known we, his family, would miss him and it would be tough for a while, he would also have known we would make it. He knew we loved him, Mom, the girls and me, but he would have known we would be all right, and maybe that's what Izzie thought too, and in time her mother will see that. She will see that you did what you did for Izzie, because she was your patient, and she will see that _Izzie_ did what she did because she loved her mother."

Bailey listened to what Derek Shepherd had to say and then she shrugged "So, what are you saying, that Robbie Stevens shouldn't be angry with me because I was just doing what Izzie wanted, or what?"

Derek shook his head. "I'm saying that she's grieving for her daughter and she is going to be angry, but that still doesn't mean that it's your fault that she wasn't here when Izzie died."

Bailey stood silently for a moment, considering all Derek had said. Then, as if on cue her attention was brought back to her residents. "How's Grey dealing with all of this?"

Derek sighed and felt the spark something deep down inside. Not happiness, not relief, but something else, something hopeful.

"She's talking to me."

_When it was over it was Owen Hunt who called time of death. Derek knew that it really should have been him, he was the one doing the chest compressions, trying to get a heart to beat, to send blood around this shattered, almost unrecognisable form, but as all his muscles screamed with the effort he'd put in to it, and his breath came in short, shuddering gasps, it was Owen Hunt who reached a gloved hand over his clenched fist and said one word._

"_Enough."_

_It took a second for the word to sink in, to get through the haze of adrenalin and the continuous beep of the monitors whose wailing told the same story. They were done. There was nothing else to do. The patient was dead. Derek took his hands away from the patient's chest, his arms falling limply to his sides, lactic acid building up in muscles that had fought for a life that was gone. _

"_Time of death sixteen thirty five." _

_It was then that it hit him. This wasn't just a patient. This was George O'Malley, Callie Torres's ex-husband. Resident of Seattle Grace's surgical programme. One of Meredith's closest friends. From the first incision it was easy to forget who the patient was. It was just a patient, a body that needed surgery, but now, as Owen reached out and switched off the monitor whose alarm shrieked in the otherwise silent operating room, the body became a person again. George O'Malley._

_Panting with exhaustion, as if he'd climbed a mountain that just kept getting higher and higher the further he went, Derek sensed her beside him. Meredith. He knew he should say something, but he didn't know what. He knew he should at least look at her, but he couldn't move. Instead, his eyes were drawn to the broken body on the table in front of him. The mess of tubes that seconds before had been pumping fluids in and fluids out. The ventilator that had been pumping oxygen around the body that was now still and silent. The discolouration of the skin on the body that earlier was alive and breathing and now lay battered and bruised…Dead._

_Minutes later they were back in the scrub room, water running and hands scrubbing away the mess of surgery, while the silence followed each of them around. Then, turning off the tap and drying his hands and arms quickly, Hunt was gone, with just a passing look at the other two as he went out of the door. He knew there was nothing to say, nothing that could be done to make any of this better, so he let the door swing shut behind himself and walked away. He knew that by the end of the day a lot more people would feel like this, as if the whole world had just stopped, so he carried on walking down the corridor and didn't look back._

_Alone in the scrub room Derek heard Meredith turning off her tap first. It was like it was happening somewhere else, somewhere distant, not right next to him, so he carried on scrubbing at his skin, watched as it reddened under the heat of the water and wrinkled until his fingertips looked like they belonged to an old man, not a forty-year old neurosurgeon, and still he didn't look at her. Couldn't turn and see the accusation in her eyes. He couldn't face her and see how in a moment the pedestal she'd put him on had fallen and taken one of her best friends with it. He kept on scrubbing, focused on the burn of the water on his skin, instead of the ache in his chest. _

_The water stopped running. Derek looked at the tap for a second. He looked at his hands, the skin red hot, droplets of water dripping off them into the sink below. He went to reach for the tap again, his mind telling him that he must have knocked it off as he moved, caught it with an elbow or a wrist, but as he reached out another hand stopped him. A smaller hand, with elegant, long fingers and nails that were short and neatly filed to even lengths. A surgeon's hands. She placed her hands over his, her cooler skin instantly easing the heat in his own. Then she began to turn him, away from the sink, away from the steam that rose as the remains of the hot water from the tap hit the cold steel of the sink. Meredith turned Derek so that he was standing right in front of her. Then she spoke._

"_No more running."_

_The words hit Derek. The vows. Promises they'd made to each other, not in a church or City Hall, but in the residents locker room on a blue post it note that matched the colour of her scrubs. He faced her at last. She stood right there, her hands still enfolding his. Her gaze was on his face, in his eyes. She seemed to be looking down into his soul, searching for something. She stared at him, met his fear with strength and wiped it away. Then she moved forward and releasing his hands she stepped into his arms, her cheek resting on his chest. She didn't cry, didn't say a word. They both knew instinctively that there was nothing they could say. George O'Malley was dead._

**A/N Well okay, this was supposed to be a two-shot. That was the plan. It was only as I was writing this that I realised that there are lots of things about the season finale that I could explore, at least in terms of Meredith and Derek and how those vows might be affected by what has happened. I suppose what I'm doing is testing the new healthy relationship Meredith and Derek have and seeing if it holds up under the strain, as well as showing you some of the things I think you might like to see, and I suspect won't actually get to see, from the season six premiere.**

**I don't see this as a long fic, four or five chapters at the very most. I'm well aware that I already have a fic on the go that is over a year in the making. They will BOTH be completed, don't doubt it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Whatever the opposite is of writer's block, I seem to have it with this fic. Ideas are bursting out of my brain for where to take this and it's a great feeling.**

**I was a bit disappointed with the lack of reviews for the previous chapter in comparison to the first one, but I suppose it isn't that long since it was submitted. My ability to come up with quick chapters seems to have come back, but I really would appreciate your views.**

**This chapter might seem a bit strange, a bit mixed up, but what I'm trying to show is that even in the midst of something awful like a death it is possible for people to still feel some happiness, even if it is just in short, all important moments. As much as this is basically a sad story, due to the circumstances, I want to capture those little moments that make life worth it. The other thing I'm trying to do is make you feel a part of the story, like you're a fly on the wall of the hospital and so on. I'm trying to write with a certain level of intimacy, which might account for the muted tone of some of the language. I hope I'm managing to achieve the tone I'm aiming for.**

**As ever, please read and review.**

_They walked in silence down the corridor, each of them consumed with their own thoughts. Derek felt light-headed, the relief of that moment in the scrub room washed over him in a tidal wave of feelings. She hadn't turned him away. In a moment when she could have rejected him she'd taken him in her arms and absolved him from the blame he'd begun to pour on himself for George's death._

_How long they stood together in the scrub room neither of them knew. The only thing Derek knew was Meredith, her arms around him, her head resting on his chest as everything else stilled around them in one moment of peace. Then, after minutes where neither of them spoke or moved, Meredith took her head off his chest and looked into his eyes again. It was a look that said everything. She knew he'd tried to save her friend. She knew he would have done anything to spare her this pain. She knew he was sorry that what they'd done just hadn't been enough and that from the time the bus hit him George was really already gone. She knew all of that and she was still there, reminding him of their vows, made just hours before in one glorious moment of joy before the world crashed around all of them._

_Soon she said that she needed to go and tell someone about George, so his family could be told and she also had to go and tell Cristina and Alex, and perhaps Izzie too, if she was well enough to understand. The look of sadness that came over her at that tore at Derek's heart. Without even thinking he followed her out of the scrub room._

_Just as they got down from the O.R. floor Meredith's pager went off. It was Cristina. _

"_She probably wants her stuff back," she said by way of explanation. Derek gave her a blank look and Meredith shook her head, remembering that he didn't know. "Her stuff…the something borrowed, something blue, whatever….Cristina gave me her stuff when I told her we were getting married today." She took Cristina's pen out of her pocket as if to prove her point._

"_Okay," Derek replied, his brows arching in surprise. He wouldn't have pegged Cristina as the sentimental type, not when it came to weddings, not even for Meredith. She hadn't been that sentimental about her own, he remembered, not that she'd had much reason to in the end, not when Burke turned round and left her. Maybe, he thought, Meredith wasn't the only one who was changing._

_As they neared Izzie's room where Cristina had paged them to, Derek took Meredith's hand, stopping her. "Do you want me to tell them about George, because I can. If you need me to do it I can, you don't have to do everything."_

_Meredith took a deep breath and clenched Derek's hand in hers. She sighed and shook her head. "No, I think…..I think it has to be me, I should tell them….I think." She sighed heavily again._

_Derek released her hand and took her face between his palms. "I love you Mrs Shepherd."_

_In spite of the awful news Meredith was about to tell, Derek watched as just for a moment, her face lit up. Just for a second they were back in that locker room again, him writing their vows on a post it note while Meredith's face shifted from frustration to confusion and then to a look of joy and love and a level of trust that made him want to weep and throw himself at her feet._

_The moment was shattered when an expression of horror crept into Meredith's eyes. "That makes me sound like your mother."_

_Derek was left to follow her the rest of the way to Izzie's room while he tried not to laugh at the expression on her face._

_When they turned the corner that would take them towards Izzie's room, Meredith stopped, giving Derek a chance to catch up with her. He thought she was about to say something else, something about being Dr. Shepherd actually, or about keeping her own name when they found the time to get married for real, the thought of sounding like his mother for the rest of her life gave her the creeps and so on. Instead, she stood there and stared at the doorway of the room, where Owen Hunt stood with Cristina Yang in his arms._

"_Cristina?" Meredith's voice was higher than normal. The sound of it made Derek stand closer to her and he didn't know why._

_The couple by the door parted, Hunt staying by Cristina's side for a second before he turned and went into the room when Cristina began to walk towards Meredith, each step slow, careful, as if each one was an effort. Meredith watched Hunt's back as it disappeared from view and then her eyes focused on her friend. Cristina looked exhausted and Meredith was suddenly afraid. _

_When the two friends were standing in front of each other Cristina spoke. _

"_Meredith…I…."_

_She swallowed and grabbed at Meredith's hand. The movement startled Derek. Something was wrong. Cristina Yang didn't hold hands with anyone, not even Meredith. He'd never even seen the two of them hug, even as close as they were._

_Cristina Yang forced herself under control. She tried again. "Mer….Izzie…"_

"_Cristina?" Meredith's voice rose again as fear gripped her insides. Something in her head was shouting at her to tell Cristina about George but the words wouldn't come. Then she realised, Cristina probably already knew. Hunt had told her. That's what was wrong with Cristina. Hunt had told Cristina about George and Alex and Izzie had overheard. Maybe Izzie couldn't understand what was going on and kept asking where George was. Meredith knew her mother had done that all the time when she was being told something she didn't like. Instead of trying to focus, at least as much as she could, on the unwanted news, her mind would turn to something else, over and over again. That's what Izzie was doing. _

"_I'll tell Izzie," Meredith said, taking a step towards the door to Izzie's room and dropping Cristina's hand. "I know it's hard for her, but she'll understand when I tell her."_

"_Meredith, Izzie's dead." The words tumbled from Cristina's mouth._

_It took a split second for Meredith to react to what Cristina had just said. She stood somewhere halfway between Derek and Cristina, none of them saying anything or making any attempt to move. It reminded Meredith of the moment when Hannah the paramedic was holding an unexploded bomb inside patient before she freaked out and pulled her hand away. Everyone else in the O.R. had the sense to duck in case the ammunition exploded. Not Meredith. She stood there and without even thinking about it she shoved her hand inside the patient and waited for death._

_After several long seconds of silence, time when all the sounds in the hospital seemed to have been sucked away, Meredith couldn't stand it anymore. She exchanged a look with Derek, who stood almost behind her now so she had to turn to see him, an expression of such sadness on his face that Meredith wanted to cry, and Cristina, who looked devastated and so, so tired._

"_It's George that's dead Cristina, not Izzie." Meredith said at last. She was almost surprised by the sound of her own voice, she couldn't remember opening her mouth, or even thinking the words. Somewhere in the distance her mind was screaming again._

"_Meredith." Cristina sighed the name, shaking her head. "Izzie collapsed in Alex's arms. It was very sudden. I paged Bailey and the Chief and we did everything we could. We ignored the DNR she signed, but it was too late. I'm sorry Meredith, I am so, so sorry, but Izzie's gone, she's dead."_

_It took Derek a second to work out what happened next. One second Meredith was there, standing right in front of him, the next she had disappeared into Izzie Stevens' room. It left both him and Cristina floundering, neither of them knowing what to do or say. Then, almost as a reflex, they followed her. It was as if they'd both had the same thought at exactly the same moment. Meredith would need them now._

_They found Meredith standing by Izzie's bedside. Alex Karev was sitting on the floor, his hands over his face as his shoulders heaved with sobbing. The Chief was at the end of the bed, his head bowed, his eyes closed. He looked, Derek thought, like he was praying. Miranda Bailey stood on the other side of the bed. She exchanged a look with Derek and shook her head. Derek knew what that meant. It was true. Izzie was dead. Instinctively, Derek moved nearer to Meredith at the bedside. Cristina stood behind him next to Owen Hunt who was standing just inside the room, resting his hand on the door handle. None of them said a word. Not yet._

_Derek watched as Meredith raised a hand to the still figure on the bed. Izzie Stevens lay on her back, the sheet over the bed pulled up to her chest and folded neatly over. Her eyes were closed. Anyone just walking in to the room would have thought she was sleeping. Only the lack of movement from the monitors in the room and the stifled sobs of Alex Karev indicated that this wasn't just sleep. Izzie was never going to wake up._

_Meredith still stood by the bedside, her hand finding the pulse point in Izzie's neck. Derek knew what she was doing. Like any good doctor she needed proof. She wasn't about to accept what she'd been told, not even if it had come from her best friend. Meredith needed to know for herself._

_When at last she knew, Meredith sighed and then she moved, the others shifting a little to make room for her. Again, without a word being exchanged between them Derek knew what Meredith would do next. He watched as she reached Alex Karev where he was still sat on the floor, lost in his grief. Meredith slipped down beside him and squeezed the arm that was nearest to her, and Derek had to grit his teeth against the tears that threatened to fall._

_It seemed like days but it was only hours later when darkness began to fall over the hospital. Word had got around about Izzie and George's deaths and suddenly it was as if everyone, even staff who'd never even met either of them, or had only come across them in passing, seemed to be creeping around the place, scared to death of making the slightest noise._

_Eventually, when it was time for Izzie's body to be moved to the morgue, they all left her room, none of them making a sound. Derek half expected Alex to resist being moved. He thought they would have ended up almost dragging him away from Izzie's body, but instead, when it was time and Meredith quietly told him they needed to go, Alex stood up and with eyes red with tears, meekly followed her out into the corridor._

_Soon they all ended up in the locker room, even the Chief, who stood next to Bailey, looking somehow wrong in this environment. The room seemed both too big and too small for him. His eyes kept shifting towards the door until he eventually excused himself and said he was going to go and call the O'Malley's and Mrs Stevens. Bailey immediately offered to help but the Chief shook his head, telling her that as he was the Chief it was his job._

_Within minutes of the Chief leaving Lexie Grey rushed in to the room and asked Meredith if it was really true. When Meredith nodded Lexie burst into tears and Meredith exchanged a quick look with Derek before putting her arms around her half-sister._

_The final people to come into the locker room were Callie Torres and Mark Sloan. Callie's eyes were swimming with tears, streaks of dark mascara ran in tracks down her face. She sat down on the first empty seat she came to and asked Bailey if anyone had been in touch with the O'Malley's. When Bailey confirmed that the Chief had just gone out to make the call a fresh flow of tears fell from her eyes and Mark stood behind her chair and gripped her shoulder. As he stood there Mark's eyes met Derek's and Derek nodded towards Lexie, who had stopped crying and flopped down in the nearest chair to Meredith, but Mark's gaze shifted to the top of Callie Torres's head and stayed there. Derek wondered what the hell Mark had done now._

_They all sat there for what seemed like hours, none of them speaking or making any movement except to change a position in a seat or to walk around the room quietly to stretch legs that suddenly seemed as heavy as lead._

_It was Mark Sloan who eventually broke the silence in the room. He turned towards Derek. "So, did you two find time to get married today or…"_

_Mark's voice broke off as Alex got up and stormed out of the room. Both Meredith and Cristina moved to follow him but they were both stilled as Bailey indicated for them to sit. "Clever Dr. Sloan, really clever," she glowered disdainfully and left the room to find Alex._

_Once the door had closed behind Bailey, Derek glared at his friend. "You never think do you? You just open your mouth and say the first stupid thing that comes in to your head."_

_Mark shifted uncomfortably behind Callie's seat. "I never thought, I just….Damn it." _

_The atmosphere in the room grew tense. Derek shook his head in disgust and Mark looked like he wanted to be just about anywhere else but couldn't make himself move. It was Meredith who got up and stood beside Derek, leaning in to him softly. She looked directly at Mark and willed him not to say anything else. She couldn't handle him and Derek fighting, not now. Mark took the hint. He gave Meredith an apologetic look and then he turned his attention back to the top of Callie Torres's head and wished he'd kept his mouth shut._

"_We made our vows in here," Derek said, after a long, uncomfortable moment when no one else dared to utter a sound. "We were going to City Hall, but then, with everything, we didn't get time, so we wrote our vows to each other in here." He continued to speak to the room, but his eyes went to Meredith and stayed on her. "As far as we're concerned we're married, but we're going to make it official when the time is right, and today would not have been the time." Derek aimed this last comment at Mark, who didn't raise his head to face Derek, but shifted again in a way that made it obvious how awkward he felt._

_Eventually people began to realise they had to go. Mark couldn't get out of the room fast enough and Callie followed him, wiping her eyes. Lexie hugged Meredith quickly and congratulated her on getting married, which in spite of everything, made Meredith smile, and then Lexie left the room. Owen Hunt kissed Cristina softly and said he would see her later and he followed on Lexie's heels._

_Suddenly it was just Derek, Meredith and Cristina in the room. Cristina stood, hovering near the door, but seemed reluctant to move. Derek realised what she wanted and he kissed Meredith gently. "I'll just wait outside for a second, take your time."_

_When Derek had gone Meredith faced her friend. Cristina looked stricken, as if everything had shifted from under her and she couldn't work out why. Meredith was reminded of that time in Cristina's apartment, after Burke had left her at the church and Cristina fell apart, and she stepped towards her friend. "Cristina." She said her name and it came out as if it had been stuck in the back of her throat for hours, all rushed and scared and raw._

_Cristina opened her mouth to say something and seemed to change her mind. Just as fast she changed it back._

"_You know earlier, you said about telling the people you love how much you love them, and then you told me?"_

_Meredith sighed and nodded, the memory of an akward, funny and sweet hug in the corridor washing over her. "I remember."_

_Cristina nodded in response. She looked Meredith straight in the eye._

"_Me too."_

**A/N That might seem like a funny place to finish but I want to keep the chapters to a sane length and this was the best way to do it. Also, I know exactly where I want to pick things up in the next chapter and finishing this now seems like a good point before I move forward a little. More soon.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Once again I apologise for taking longer to get this to you than I would have liked. I mentioned before that I have a back problem that makes sitting typing for long periods very painful. I had hoped that the problem had sorted itself out but it flared up again during the week and has left me in agony. Thank God for painkillers is all I'm saying! **

**My huge thanks to all of you who sent me such fabulous reviews for the previous chapters. The encouragement they give is really invaluable. Never, ever believe anyone who says that reviews are not necessary, it just isn't true. Constructive criticism is a great thing for any writer.**

**Now then, back to this. By the way, I've been trying to think of funny things that the five residents, Meredith, Cristina, Alex, Izzie and George have done, in particular from their intern year, and I've drawn a blank other than the gross hotdog eating contest. I would like to refer to some funny stuff as memories, but I can't think of anything. So if you have a specific memory, and it doesn't have to be something funny, it could be something either Izzie or George have done or said, I would really appreciate you jogging my memory.**

**As ever, please read and review.**

_Meredith sat at the kitchen table drinking what must have been her third cup of coffee of the morning, and, she looked at the clock on the wall to check, it was still only 5am. _

_It had been the same the night before, she remembered. By the time she and Derek had got home from the hospital it was raining. Even the short distance from the car to the front door was enough to soak both of them right to the bone. They went inside shaking out rivers of rain water from their jackets, tiny puddles forming on the wooden floor beneath them as they were hung up to dry. It was strange, Meredith thought, how as she hung up her jacket, she noticed a scarf Izzie must have left on the hanger by the front door. It had obviously been there for days, since before Izzie had gone in to hospital for her first surgery, on Derek's first day back at work after Jen's death, the day he proposed. But now, on this night, the scarf, which had gone unnoticed since it was dumped there, probably when Izzie had come home from one of the last shifts she'd worked, seemed to be announcing itself to the world. It was like it was calling, reminding Meredith who it belonged to, or maybe reminding her that it would never be worn again. Meredith turned away from the scarf and headed for the living room._

"_Do you want a drink?" Derek asked her, as he helped himself to a scotch._

_Tequila. Meredith's mind turned straight to tequila. The pretty golden liquid that could burn away any sort of hurt. The night before your first day at work, get drunk on tequila. Have a bad day at work, get drunk on tequila. Find out your boyfriend has a wife, get drunk on tequila. Lose two of your family....._

"_I'm going to make some coffee, do you want one?" She heard herself ask the question. For a minute it almost made her want to laugh. She could imagine it now, the others, if they'd been here, Cristina, Alex, George and Izzie, they'd be standing there with their mouths open like a bunch or whatever it was you called more than one goldfish._

_As it was, Meredith and Derek were alone in the house. Cristina was in her apartment, Alex was still at the hospital, and George and Izzie were....._

_Bailey caught up with Meredith and Derek just as they were leaving work and told them that she'd found Alex back in Izzie's room after he'd walked out of the resident's locker room when Mark Sloan opened his mouth and put both his feet in. Bailey said she'd found him on the bed, the bedding still yet to be changed ready for another patient. She said he'd pulled the covers over himself and curled up for the night, but, she added, she didn't think he was sleeping. Meredith said she would go up and tell Alex they should go home, but Bailey shook her head. She said that Alex was all right where he was for the night and that she would stick around and make sure he was okay. Then, with her usual tone of authority, which was still effective even if it was watered down by the sadness in her eyes, Miranda Bailey told Meredith to go home._

"_I can do that, you should sit." Derek's voice pulled Meredith from her thoughts. It took her a second to remember what he was talking about. She arched her brows in confusion._

"_Coffee, you said you were going to make some coffee and I said I would do it, you should sit, remember?" Derek reminded her softly, coming towards her as she stood in the doorway of the living room. His eyes filled with concern. He sighed. "Look, come and sit down, I'll make the coffee in a minute, just..."_

"_Coffee....Sure...." Meredith turned towards the kitchen, cutting Derek off._

_Meredith didn't know what she was doing. Part of her knew she shouldn't walk away from Derek like that, especially when he was standing there looking like he would do anything to make things better, or looking at her like he thought that any minute she was going to explode. She really shouldn't have done it, she told herself, because he'd been the one who'd done everything he could to save George and if she ran now, even for a second, he would think she thought it was his fault that George was...That was what Derek did, she told herself. He blamed himself for things, then, when he couldn't heap any more blame on to himself, he would turn it on to other people, even when he didn't mean to. So, she shouldn't run._

_It was the damned scarf, Meredith told herself. If the scarf hadn't been there right from the second they'd walked through the door it would have been all right. Instead, it was right there, right where anyone could see it, and it was just....._

_It was also Cristina, she rambled in her head, reminding herself that rambling, especially in her head, was another sign that she was crazy. But it was, she told herself. Cristina. Standing there in the locker room, telling her she loved her, it was..._

_Meredith got to the kitchen and found it in darkness. She had to reach out and turn the light on, which she did, surprising herself with the way her hand shook as it flicked the switch. The light came on and illuminated the room with warmth, the artificial light reflecting off the yellow walls and the white ceiling before softening when it reached down to the dark wooden floor._

_Meredith stepped into the room, her mind a mixed up tangle of things she couldn't make sense of. The weirdest thing was how quiet the room, the whole house, was. Meredith listened, half expecting someone to crash through the front door. She waited for someone to come and raid the refrigerator, or complain loudly that the refrigerator was empty of anything that looked like proper food. Even as she'd come into the room Meredith had expected to see someone sitting at the table, maybe even a couple of people. She'd expected to not feel even the tiniest bit surprised at seeing someone in her kitchen who didn't even live in the house. She'd expected to find someone baking, or someone, especially at this time of night, helping themselves to a glass of milk and spilling it everywhere, especially over himself. She'd expected to walk in to an argument about whose turn it was to do the shopping and whether or not they'd bought the tampons._

_Meredith felt none of the things she expected to feel. Instead, as she stood in the doorway of her kitchen, she was aware of how empty it was. There was no Alex, no Cristina. Mark and Lexie weren't even here. Izzie and George were.....Gone. For a second, if she closed her eyes, she could see Izzie standing there. She could smell muffins or chocolate cake, or whatever else Izzie had been making. If she tried really hard she could see George sitting at the table while he got as much chocolate cake around his mouth as he did in it. She could hear him swear under his breath as he spilt milk or orange juice over himself. She could hear him trying to clean his mess up and get more and more worked up when he only managed to make it worse._

_It was as she was standing there that Meredith realised that this had never really been her kitchen. It had been her mother's kitchen, or at least it would have been if her mother had spent as much time at home as she did at the hospital. Then, when she gave in and let George and Izzie move in at the beginning of their internship, it quickly became Izzie's kitchen, or at least her territory, with her ability to bake and put a meal together that was fit for something other than the bin. For Meredith this was the room where she'd watched her mother slit her wrists, the room where she sat under the kitchen table and tried to move as the blood edged closer and closer to the hem of her dress. It was the room where her friend's voices seemed to seep through the walls, the room where everything seemed to scream of the people who would never be home again._

_Suddenly, as she stood there, something inside Meredith crashed. Something clicked inside her, like the light switch had done when she flicked it on. Then it was like being in the water when she drowned. She tried to hold it back, push it down, but the harder she tried, the harder it was. It was like the tide was coming in and as much as she tried to run, it was as if she was stuck in the sand, fighting and fighting to be free, but unable to stop the waves as they rushed closer and closer._

"_Derek!" _

_His name burst out of Meredith's throat as she tried to catch a breath. She couldn't see through the water in her eyes, she felt the heat of it on her face as it flowed. She could taste it on her lips, salty and strangely hot, as if it had been stored up somewhere deep inside forever. Everything around her was shifting. She tried to reach something to hold herself up but her hands kept slipping, wouldn't grip the shiny white wood. Vaguely, as if it was a long way away, she heard someone sobbing. She was shocked when she realised it was her. Then, when she knew she couldn't stand it anymore, she felt herself being pulled up. Everything in the room swirled for a second as she was turned around, and then she felt someone's arms around her. She felt the safety of a firm chest as she was hauled towards it. She was drawn to it, rested against it, as if on instinct alone, as if the heartbeat within was her own. She felt the warmth of skin as a hand brushed over her face and into her hair, to stroke, soothe, caress. She felt the rise and fall of the chest against her cheek, heard the inhalation of a breath._

"_It's okay, you're okay. I'm here. I've got you. I love you Meredith, I love you so much. I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, but you'll be okay. I love you. I'm here and I love you."_

_Derek saved her._

_How long Meredith stood, sobbing for her friends in Derek's arms, she didn't know. The only thing she was aware of was being held in his arms for what seemed like ages, but might have only been minutes. Then, eventually, when she was leaning on him to the point where he was taking all her weight, she felt his arms tighten around her as he picked her up. The next minute she was in the living room, any thought of making coffee forgotten when Derek sat down on the sofa and cradled her on his lap, and all the time she sobbed. Meredith sobbed and Derek talked. Endlessly, he talked. His words were sunshine and moonlight, glorious summer, while his arms held the raging storm, the bitter cold, a winter that never seemed to end, and yet he didn't let go, never faltered. He was there._

_Soon, when Meredith knew there were no more tears, she sat up in Derek's arms._

"_I've probably ruined your shirt." She sighed raggedly, the breath catching in her throat. She suddenly felt exhausted. She rubbed her eyes as Derek's arms tightened around her again. She didn't look into his eyes, she knew if she did she would start crying again and she didn't want to. Instead, she focused on the wet patch on his shirt, how the material had gone transparent with her tears, the way the damp fabric clung to Derek's chest. Her hand brushed over the damp patch as if she was trying to rub it away. _

"_I can buy a new shirt, it's okay." One of Derek's hands moved from around her waist and caught hers as it rested on his chest. His clasped it tightly, their fingers locking together. They sat in silence in the strangely quiet house._

"_Sorry about the crying," Meredith said after a long moment when she kept her eyes on Derek's chest. "I don't even know where that came from. One minute I was in the kitchen making coffee, and the next, I just…" A sigh reverberated through her, her shoulders heaved. She shook her head. She couldn't put this in to words, this sadness._

"_Meredith, look at me." Derek reached out and as he'd done so many times before, he took her face in his hands, turning it up to his. Meredith had no choice but to face him. What she saw in his eyes shocked her. There was no judgement. He didn't think she was crazy for falling apart. He didn't think she was being pathetic. He wasn't going anywhere because she'd shown him how she felt. What Meredith saw in Derek's eyes was concern and care, and worry. She saw love, such love that it took her breath away, and she saw determination. Derek's gaze was clear and steady, just like he was saying the words out loud. I'm here, we'll get through this together. I love you._

_Eventually they went to bed. As they went towards their room Meredith's eyes were drawn to Izzie's bedroom door. "It's weird to think that Izzie won't ever sleep here again." She sighed sadly and swallowed down the tears that came into the back of her throat._

_Derek nodded, standing still and taking her into his arms. He held her gently, like she was the most precious thing in the world. "It is weird" he agreed, "and it will be weird for a long time yet. I just wish there was something I could say that would make it better, but…." Meredith watched as his Adam's apple rolled back and forth as he swallowed._

"_So, how do we deal with this?" Meredith asked the question that had been in the back of her mind for hours. She'd asked herself over and over in her mind. She'd drawn a blank, couldn't come up with an answer that seemed to work. This wasn't like a surgery where if you did so and so, the result would either be A or B. This was something else, something new, and there didn't seem to be any clue as to how to deal with it. Maybe, she told herself, no one had written the 'How To Live With Losing Two Friends In One Day' guidebook yet._

_Derek met the look on Meredith's face, the question in her eyes. He sighed and shook his head. "I don't know," he admitted softly. "I think we just have to take it a step at a time and hold on tight."_

_Meredith couldn't help the faintest whisper of a smile that crept over her lips. "So it's baby steps and holding on?" She arched her brows quizzically._

_Derek could see the flicker of humour on Meredith's face. It was a tiny thing, just a little glimmer of hope. Still, he thought, it was there. He knew that he hadn't really said anything. Nothing that he could say or do could fix what had happened, but maybe that was what she needed, he reasoned. Maybe Meredith needed to know that he wasn't any wiser than she was when it came to this. Perhaps she needed to know that he didn't have all the answers, even if he had lost his Dad when he was ten. Meredith's mother had been dead for less than a year but it hadn't done anything to prepare her for the loss of her friends. Maybe in being honest he was giving her what she needed._

"_Yeah, baby steps and holding on", he agreed, meeting her gaze with his own._

"_We can do that, right?" Her brow furrowed uncertainly while the hope lingered in her eyes._

_Derek sighed. "Yes Meredith, we can do that." He smiled and kissed her softly. Hope still burned in her gaze when he pulled away. She had trusted him and for once he'd got it right. It was there in her eyes._

_Derek followed her into the bedroom and closed the door._

**A/N Well, there we are, another chapter. I've decided that what I'm going to do is write a chapter for each day, or thereabouts, in the run up to Izzie and George's funeral, showing you how each of them, Meredith and Derek mainly, but the others too, at least in passing, deal with it. As, in my experience with bereavements (both of my parents are dead), this is the hardest time of all, I think it should present me with material to write about. The next chapter will pick up where this one starts, on the day after George and Izzie's deaths. Soon, I hope.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N I am so sorry to have taken so long to get this up to you all. The only thing I can offer by way of an excuse is that my life seems to go mad when I have a story on the go. It hasn't been helped by having to spend time getting my router fixed to enable me to keep internet access on my laptop as well as my PC, and that I've also had some painting and decorating done in my study, which has prevented me having somewhere calm and quiet to write.**

**Anyway, all is done now and I can get back to this. I would expect this to only have another five or six chapters, given that I am covering the week from George and Izzie's deaths to their funeral, but I'm flexible with that. Basically, the story will be as long as it needs to be to get to where I want, though that won't be long, I do have Just One Second to finish, and that WILL happen.**

**Back to the story. As ever, please, read and review. Oh, and I am still looking for funny things to include in this as memories – see my previous chapter's authors note for the sorts of things I have in mind. Enjoy!**

_Meredith's eyes looked over the rim of her coffee cup towards the kitchen window. The sun was just coming up, its rays casting strange shadows around the room, catching on utensils and cooking equipment she'd never or rarely used, making them glow in the early morning light. She stood up and looked out through the window, just making out a distant small patch of blue sky. It was funny, she thought. Somehow she'd expected it to be raining today, but it was dry, except for a little dew that clung to the few plants and flowers in what she knew was a pathetic excuse for a garden. _

_She was so absorbed in staring out through the window that Meredith didn't hear the soft footsteps coming up behind her, until she felt an arm slip around her waist. It made her jump for a second._

"_Easy, it's only me." Derek's voice broke through the silence in the room and Meredith's heart rate returned to something like normal. Derek leaned towards her and planted a soft kiss in her hair._

"_It's not raining," Meredith sighed, her gaze drifting back through the window to the morning sunlight. "I thought it might be raining this morning, is that weird?" She shook her head, wondering why her train of thought was all over the place, even more than usual._

_Derek stood behind Meredith as she faced the window and slipped his arms around her. He sighed when she leaned against him, her head on his chest. He knew what this was like, the day after the death of someone you care about. Somewhere in his mind he remembered his Mom after his Dad was killed. He remembered how for weeks she obsessed about trivial things, whether or not he and the girls were eating enough, what clothes they wore. Derek vividly recalled her fixation with his socks, was he wearing the right ones, were they clean, did he need new ones. It was endless. Of course, as a kid he didn't get it. At the time it was Mom acting weird and fussing. Now, as an adult, Derek could see what she'd been doing. She was working things out, trying to figure out the catastrophe that had happened to them. Her mind was latching on to small things, mundane things like clothes and food, focusing on caring for her children, while she tried to work out how her husband, the father of her children, could be gone and how she was going to go on without him. In Meredith's case she wondered why it wasn't raining when everything else had suddenly fallen apart. Well, he thought, leaning in closer, his arms tightening a little around her tiny waist, maybe not quite everything._

"_Did you get any sleep in the end?" Derek suddenly found himself looking into Meredith's eyes when she turned in his arms. He sighed when he felt her arms go around his neck, her delicate fingers toying with his hair._

"_Not really, maybe a little. It was weird trying to sleep while you were out here half the night." He said the words softly, trying not to sound as if he was accusing her of anything. He knew how tough it had been for her the previous night, how she'd lay in bed tossing and turning before she'd got up again. He knew when she got up that she wasn't running away, it was just that her mind was keeping her awake, thoughts of the day and the fact that George and Izzie were both dead. Meredith was trying to work it all out, trying to understand it and it was tough. It was no wonder she couldn't sleep. When she eventually got up, muttering a string of expletives under her breath, trying not to disturb him any more than she thought she already had, even though he told her he wasn't asleep and it didn't matter, Derek offered to get up with her, hating the idea of her being up all night, upset about her friends while he was in bed. At that she kissed him, a kiss full of love and need, but also a kiss that was a comforting thing, perhaps to both of them, and then she told him to get some sleep, knowing perfectly well that he could easily get paged in the morning and the idea of a neurosurgeon falling asleep over an open skull wasn't good. Still, as the bedroom door clicked softly shut behind her and he heard her light steps on the stairs, Derek lay awake, asking a God he wasn't sure existed, or maybe his Dad if he could hear him at all, for strength to help Meredith through this latest disaster, while somewhere inside, somewhere really deep down in a place he would never like to admit existed, he cursed Izzie and George for dying and inflicting this pain on a woman who'd already been through more than her share._

"_I'm sorry, I just…I couldn't just lay there all night. I just couldn't stop thinking about them…George and Izzie." Meredith glanced towards the clock on the wall before turning her attention back to Derek's concerned gaze. "It's just that it's another day, a whole new day, but this time yesterday Izzie and George were both still alive. I mean, I know Izzie was sick and was probably going to die, but George was alive. Then he said he was going in the army and we planned the intervention to stop him, but then he was writing 007 on my hand and I realised he wasn't a John Doe, but George O'Malley and he'd been hit by a bus, and then he was in surgery and dead, and it doesn't make sense Derek, it just doesn't make sense."_

_Derek Shepherd pulled Meredith into his arms when she finished speaking, her eyes spilling over with tears. He couldn't believe it. He knew that for some people Meredith's words would just be a simple statement about everything that had happened. For Meredith however, it was a miracle. For Meredith it was an outpouring of words, of feelings that not so long ago she would have pushed down and down until they all crashed around her, or she avoided them more with the help of a bottle of tequila. Now, instead of avoiding, she was telling him what she was feeling, how the loss of her friends was confusing and scary. Instead of working it out in her head and getting nowhere, she was letting it all out, letting him share it with her. Derek wondered for a second if being this happy while she was in such pain was wrong, but he knew that if he could he would take the pain away from her in a heartbeat, and somehow, even if she hadn't said it, she knew he would too. It was this that sent a rush through him as he held her in his arms. Not that she was sad, but that she was sharing herself with him, letting him do whatever he could to help her, even if it didn't add up to much except being with her, holding her when she needed it. It was strange he thought, how just those small things seemed to be enough._

_Meredith stayed in Derek's arms as the sting of tears faded from her eyes. She swallowed and steadied herself as once again the memories of the night before washed over her, how she'd cried and Derek had been there for her and how he'd tried to say exactly the right thing to help her, and he'd succeeded, until they'd gone to bed and turned out the lights. _

_It was as she lay in the dark, spooned against Derek, that everything came back to her. It was as if she was back at the hospital, standing at John Doe's bedside as he scrawled a message on her hand with his finger. 0...0...7, and then he'd gripped her hand in a way that seemed familiar, a way that she knew instantly was designed to give comfort and also to make her see something that was right in front of her, that this man wasn't just an anonymous John Doe, but George O'Malley, her friend and room-mate. Meredith remembered the way she'd cried out when the truth hit her before she ran from the room, shouting for no other reason than to make it make sense, that it was George. She remembered finding Derek and Hunt in the hallway and blurting out the news, her eyes meeting Derek's for a second as he realised what she was saying, and then everything went crazy as they rushed George to the O.R._

_As she lay there, Meredith's mind went back to the moment when Cristina told her that Izzie was dead. She remembered how for one moment she'd refused to believe it, wouldn't accept that it could possibly be true that two of her closest friends, her family, could be dead in the space of one day. She remembered how her legs seemed to carry her automatically in to Izzie's room, something in her head telling her to be sure, to check. She watched as once again her hand was going to the pulse point in Izzie's neck, searching for the tiny thump-thump that would be a sign of life, her fingers probing for the right spot and finding it, but without the steady beat within. It was in that moment that she knew it was true, Izzie was dead, and as if to confirm it she heard the stifled sobs Alex let out through his teeth. As if on auto-pilot she turned to him, everyone in the room shifting to let her by, and she sat down beside him on the floor, trying to ease some of his pain with the grip of her hand on his arm._

_Meredith lay there in the dark, one of Derek's arms around her body. She felt his chest rising and falling against her when he breathed. She tried to hold on to that, concentrate on his breathing and block out all the images in her head, but it didn't work. Instead, pictures of George and Izzie seemed to pass in front of her eyes, while Derek's breathing became softer as he began to drift into sleep. The images continued and Derek's breathing became even more shallow until eventually the two things seemed to mix together and she was at George's bedside again, only this time, as she looked into his eyes, she realised they were Derek's, and then she was searching for Izzie's pulse, but as she looked down to the bed she realised that her friend's body was gone, replaced by the body of the man she loved, the man that just a few hours before she'd promised to spend the rest of her life with._

_After tossing and turning for what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably no more than about twenty minutes, Meredith knew she just couldn't lie in that bed anymore, she needed to get up. Besides, she knew Derek could easily get called in to the hospital at any time, if they had an emergency in, and he couldn't risk falling asleep over a patient because she'd kept him awake, he needed to get some sleep even if she couldn't, so she'd got up, telling Derek to go back to sleep and that she was going downstairs for a while, just to sit. He didn't argue, just quietly offered to get up with her. Meredith could see his concern in his eyes, his worry for her, and it was this that made her lean over and kiss him, to show him how much she loved him and maybe to comfort him while his love comforted her._

"_Last night was supposed to be our wedding night." Meredith said, after several long moments of silence, time Meredith used to get herself together and Derek spent holding her, his nose in her hair, inhaling deep breaths. "Weren't we supposed to be having great sex, great newly married sex?" _

_Derek pulled Meredith closer and sighed, then he eased her away a little and looked into her eyes, turning her face up to meet his gaze. "There's time for that later, when this is…..easier." He'd had to give some thought to what he was saying. If he'd said 'when this is better', it would have been ridiculous. He knew that this situation could never get better, it would always be painful for Meredith, not to mention Alex Karev and Cristina, and everyone else who knew George and Izzie, but he knew from when his Dad died, there would be a time when it wasn't this hard, that they would all be able to move forward._

"_Could we….Do you think we could go to the trailer some time?" Meredith looked at Derek, her eyes full of uncertainty. He knew she was trying to find the words for what she wanted but didn't want to get it wrong._

"_We could go to the trailer any time, it's yours now, remember?" He smiled and ran his fingers through her hair. "We could pack a bag and just go any time you want, but why do you want to go to the trailer?"_

_Meredith shook her head. "It's not the trailer, not really, it's…our land….It's where we're going to build our house and have our kids…And a dog."_

_The smile on Derek's face grew. He knew what Meredith was doing. Even in her sadness she was still moving forward, planning the future they were going to have, the life they were going to make together. It filled him with hope, it told him clearer than anything that she was handling this, she wasn't going to fall apart. He wasn't going to find her in the bottom of the bathtub again._

"_So, you want a dog, you really want a dog as well as kids? You sure about that?" He arched his brows in amusement._

"_I do, I want a dog, one like Doc maybe, a real dog our kids can play with, not one of those stupid ratty things old ladies carry around in their handbags."_

_Derek laughed at the look of disgust on Meredith's face. "Okay, we'll have a dog the kids can play with."_

_Suddenly Meredith's face darkened. "I just want to go to the trailer some time Derek, not now," she said the words quickly, making her point, "but maybe after, when everything settles a little, if Alex and Cristina are okay."_

_Derek nodded gently. "You mean after the funerals?" Meredith nodded in response, unable to say anything. "Okay, we'll see how everything is and then we'll go, maybe we could have a weekend there or something, or a few days when we're both off from the hospital, does that sound okay?"_

_Meredith's eyes brightened. "It sounds great. Thank you."_

_Derek ran his fingers through Meredith's hair again. "It's my pleasure, and besides…"_

_Meredith frowned, "What?"_

"_Well, I get to spend a few days alone with you and I get all the sex I want, it's a win-win situation."_

"_Dirty man." Meredith giggled, before pouring out two more cups of coffee._

_The two sat at the kitchen table, Meredith grabbed an apple while Derek munched slowly through a bowl of muesli. They exchanged easy conversation, not avoiding the events of the day before, but taking what Meredith thought was a time-out, just a moment for themselves before they had to face the day. For once, she realised, she was glad to have a day off work, the idea of going in to the hospital and facing everyone who knew George and Izzie was just too much. She knew that she was due back on shift in twenty four hours, but at least she got this one day before everything went mad again._

_Derek was just putting his cereal dish in the sink when the back door suddenly opened and Cristina Yang walked in, without so much as a knock or an acknowledgement to either him or Meredith. She was dressed in loose fitting clothes, a sweatshirt and pants, like she'd been exercising. Derek excused himself from the room to go and get dressed properly and Cristina sat herself down on the chair he'd just vacated._

_Meredith took in her best friend's clothes, the sheen of sweat on her skin and smiled half-heartedly. "You've been jogging?" _

_Cristina Yang shrugged. "Couldn't sleep. I was keeping Owen awake, so as soon as it was light I went jogging."_

_Meredith's brows arched quizzically. "You're back with Owen?" She couldn't help the question. The last she'd heard Cristina and Owen had broken up because Cristina couldn't handle his PTSD, the last thing she'd expected was Cristina to get back with him. "How did that happen?' she asked at last._

_Cristina got up and helped herself to a cup of coffee before sitting back down at the kitchen table. "I went with him to see his Mom yesterday, before…" She broke off to exchange a meaningful look with Meredith, who still couldn't take in what she was hearing. "And he's been having counselling and it's helping him. He's stopped having nightmares."_

"_So you're back with a man who tried to strangle you, just like that?" Meredith tried not to sound harsh, she didn't want to fight with Cristina, especially not now, but this was just…She couldn't find the words._

_Cristina Yang glared at her friend. "He was asleep when he had his hands around my throat, and no, I'm not back with him just like that Meredith, it's just….I just….I can't…"_

_Suddenly Meredith could see it. Cristina was in love with Owen Hunt. She couldn't help herself, she needed him. Just like her and Derek._

"_I told him I love him." Cristina almost whispered the words. She peered out into the hallway, as if to make sure Derek hadn't heard her._

_Meredith nodded, remembering another time, when Cristina told her that Burke had said he loved her, but that she didn't say it back because Burke thought she'd been asleep when he said it. But now she'd said it, straight out apparently. Cristina was definitely in love._

"_And Owen loves you?" Somehow she knew she didn't even need to ask. The expression on Cristina's face was enough._

"_Yes" Again Cristina's eyes drifted to the hallway._

_Meredith sighed. "Okay then, but you will be careful won't you, if he ever does anything…." She stopped talking when her friend glared again. "But you're my person, and I care, and…."_

_Meredith stopped talking again when Derek came back into the room, dressed for the day. He ignored the exchange between the two friends, knowing that was usually best. He stood at the kitchen counter, trying to be invisible, when his pager suddenly went off. He left the room for a moment to call the hospital. When he came back he was wearing a jacket._

"_I have to go in, will you be okay?" He turned to Meredith while he put his jacket on._

_Meredith nodded, understanding why Derek really didn't want to leave her alone, at least today. "I'll be okay. Cristina will be here for a while, won't you?" She looked at her friend who nodded._

"_Okay, I'll try not to be long, but if I'm going to be late I'll call you." He kissed Meredith swiftly and turned towards the door to go._

_As Derek was just about to leave Meredith called him back. "Derek?" _

_Derek Shepherd turned on his heel, half prepared to take his jacket off and call the hospital to tell them to get Nelson or Weller to cover his page. He looked into Meredith's eyes, watched her as she chewed her lip apprehensively and then smiled at him. Without even thinking about it, he smiled back, uncertain of what was going on._

_Meredith held Derek's gaze for what seemed like an eternity. She knew he was only leaving for work, to cover a surgery, probably to save someone's life, but suddenly she had to tell him. Then she remembered Cristina was sitting there and the nerves crept in. It took a second for her to remember that she'd just been talking to her best friend about loving someone. The thought made her smile. She smiled wider when Derek smiled back, even though he obviously had no clue what she was doing._

"_I love you." She said the words simply, almost casually. She watched as the effect of them passed over Derek's features. His eyes brightened, his smile turned to a full on grin and he sighed. The expression on his face was like he was holding a treasure in his hand and he couldn't quite believe it, that it was really his. Then, with a look that made it all to clear how he felt about her, Derek left, reminding her again that he would try not to be late._

_Meredith and Cristina sat around the house through the morning, talking about what the week would probably bring. They talked about the O'Malley's and Izzie's mother, when they might arrive, and what would happen when they did. They talked about the funerals, how they might work out. Mostly, they spent the time together, trying to be normal for a moment, even though they both knew nothing would ever be the same again._

_It was mid-morning when the front door suddenly opened. Meredith got up from the place she still occupied at the table, expecting to see Derek coming through the door. She was shocked when she came face to face with Alex Karev. He looked shattered, both exhausted and devastated. His face was flushed and still tear-stained._

"_Alex…" She opened her mouth to speak, but the words got stuck in her throat. What could she say to him? How could anything she said make him feel any better?_

_Alex Karev shook his head, refusing to look at Meredith, then, with a dismissive wave, he turned towards the stairs. "I'm not talking about it." His tone didn't leave any room for discussion. He ran up the stairs two at a time and Meredith jumped when a minute later she heard a bedroom door slam._

_Cristina joined Meredith in the hallway. "Do you think he's in Izzie's room?" Cristina asked, turning to look up the stairs as if she expected Alex to make a reappearance._

_Meredith nodded uncertainly. "I think so."_

_Cristina nodded. "Okay, so what are you going to do, are you going to leave him to sort it out for himself, or…"_

_Meredith frowned at her friend. "Me? What do you expect me to do?" She wanted to shout, but shouting seemed wrong while Alex was upstairs, alone and grieving. Instead, she whispered, but couldn't help the way her voice rose to a squeak._

_Cristina shrugged. "Well you got Izzie off the bathroom floor when Denny died, you're the expert."_

"_I am not the expert in…!" Meredith couldn't help raising her voice. She glared viciously at her friend. Cristina's face was a picture of innocence._

"_Well, we can't just do nothing, can we?" Meredith said after a few minutes had passed, when they'd both stood at the bottom of the stairs, staring up them every few minutes. It was like something out of a horror movie, a moment when everything was set for the monster to come out of the darkness and scare people half to death._

"_What do you have in mind?" Cristina asked dryly. "I mean, it's not as if we can barge in there and sit on the bedroom floor with him is it, and if we knock he's going to tell us both where to go."_

_Meredith turned Cristina's words over in her head. Suddenly she knew what to do. She began to climb the stairs._

"_Mer, what the hell are you…." Cristina stopped talking when she found Meredith sitting on the floor outside Izzie's room, her back leaning against the door frame._

_Silently, Cristina followed. They sat on the floor in the hallway and waited for Alex Karev to come out._

**A/N There we are, the longest chapter of this little fic. That was partly by accident, but partly by design. I've had this chapter in my head for days. I knew I wanted to finish with Alex shutting himself away in Izzie's room while Meredith and Cristina sat on the floor outside and waited for him. Somehow it made sense to me that they would do that. Anyway, I will try and update again as soon as I can.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N I'm worried that I'll get a reputation for starting fics and not finishing them soon. I would hate that, especially because the delays really are not deliberate. As I said before, my life goes crazy when I have some writing on the go. What with dodgy backs, visitors, various other minor domestic issues, oh and a relative getting married in a rush a few weeks back, I don't know where the time has gone.**

**Anyway, this fic only has another three chapters or so, so it's time to get it moving again. Then it will be Just One Second, which I have a weird urge to get back to.**

_When Derek arrived back from the hospital, the skies were beginning to darken. He'd been out a lot longer than he would have liked, dealing with the after effects of a road accident that appeared to have culminated in a newly qualified driver putting himself through the windscreen of his car. It was clear to Derek, from the nature of the young man's injuries, that he hadn't been wearing a seatbelt when he hit another car head-on, and that it was likely that he'd been speeding. Probably, Derek mused, too wrapped up in the excitement of driving independently, caught up in the knowledge that for what was possibly the first time in his life, he could go anywhere, do anything, because he didn't have to wait to be picked up or dropped off anymore, and wasn't restricted by the law on who could travel with him and the hours he was allowed to drive. The feeling of freedom and the thrill of owning a car for the first time would have been an exhilarating mix. _

_Derek remembered the feeling well, only his first experience of it hadn't been in a car, but a motorbike. A beautiful, shiny black motorbike that Mark had christened The Chick Magnet the minute he'd seen it._

_What happened, even years later, was still a blur to Derek Shepherd. Was he going too fast? Was the road slippery after rain? Maybe it was some oil or something on the road surface, or perhaps it was simply a lack of concentration, mixed in with the beguiling growl of the engine and the call of the freedom of the open road in front of him that did it. Whatever it was, no matter how blurred the reason for it had become, Derek vividly remembered the sensation of skidding across the road in his leathers, the heat rising from the tar scorching the tough fabric and seeming to whistle over his skin, his head bouncing around in his helmet, his eyes refusing to focus as familiar sights whirled around and around, and the stickiness on his forehead that made him realise he was bleeding. Then, more clear than the accident itself, the feeling that slammed in to him, a strange realisation that this could be it, that his time could have come. He really could be dying. As he stopped skidding, there was a moment when he thought that it had happened, that he'd died. Everything just seemed so peaceful, still, it made him feel like going to sleep. The last thing he remembered, as darkness came up to claim him, was the screech of breaks, a slam of a car door, and then dimly, through a fog, he heard someone say that they needed an ambulance._

_Derek had been lucky. He woke up in a hospital bed. His mother was at his side, screwing a tissue up between her fingers. The first thought he had was that her hands were shaking, but he couldn't remember why. It didn't take long to recall. An accident. The motorbike. The thought that he was dying. It all washed over him. Seconds later he was trying to sit as the bile rose up in the back of his throat. His mother just about had time to reach for a bowl before Derek was violently sick._

_It had been a concussion, just a minor concussion. The only physical reminder of it was a scar on his forehead, just a mark that people never seemed to notice that eventually faded to look like nothing more than a line on his skin. What took longer to fade was the feeling of helplessness, the thought that in one stupid moment his life could have been over, even before he'd really begun to live. It was probably this, Derek realised, that had coloured the rest of his life until now, the knowledge that life could be fleeting, gone in a moment. Even if the death of his father at a young age hadn't done it, those moments he spent skidding across a Connecticut road, and then hovering near to unconsciousness, had sealed it. Within the next few short years he'd got in to Med School, setting his sights on being a neurosurgeon, which he achieved at almost lightening speed. He'd met Addison and was hooked. She was beautiful, sophisticated and as driven to succeed as him. They romanced in a whirlwind, marrying little more than a year after they both qualified. _

_The marriage gave Derek new targets to reach. A practice of his own, a home that was entirely theirs. Children. The first two had been relatively easy. Derek began to make a name for himself amongst his peers. They knew he was a damned good surgeon who took on even the most difficult cases, people who would otherwise have been turned away and condemned to die. The practice meant working long hours, but Derek knew it was the only way to make it work. Soon it was thriving, along with Derek and Addison's social life. They mixed regularly with the great and the good of New York society. There were dinners to attend, lunches to have, black tie events to smile through, all in the name of being a top surgeon. Addison seemed to glow under all the attention they were getting; she'd made herself a success as an OB/GYN, building her own reputation and practice. She was also naturally suited to being in the spotlight, loved the adulation, the things that went with it. She liked the best of everything, their home was a testament to that. It epitomised success, wealth and material possession. When one home became two, and, in time, three, they seemed to have it all._

_It was having children that couldn't easily be organised. When Derek first brought the subject up, a year or so after they were married, Addison wasn't ready. She wanted to establish herself first, she said. It was hard enough to build up a practice, taking time out now to have a baby was impractical. Looking back, Derek recalled a sense of panic that crept over him with Addison's words. Didn't she realise, he'd thought, that everything they'd worked for could be gone in an instant? Didn't she see that their lives could be over in a flash, but children were permanent, solid, forever. Having children meant that someone would go on after you'd gone, someone with your name, some of your traits, your resemblance. No, Addison didn't get it, not then._

_The years began to go by. As the time went on Derek brought up children again. Each time there was some reason for a delay. Addison's career, his career, Addison didn't want to appear to be copying Derek's sisters whose families were growing at an alarming rate. Work took both of them away a lot, sometimes together, usually separately, and how would they make that work if they had children at home?_

_The cracks began to show. Derek threw himself into his work, using it, he could see now, to escape from the frustration and dissatisfaction he felt at home. Then there were the arguments, small squabbles over trivial things at first, and then screaming matches, where each of them said things they didn't mean, or maybe they did mean them but could only say them in the heat of the moment. Either way, it didn't take long for fighting to be replaced by silence. After that was avoidance, and after avoidance was Mark. Mark in his bed with his wife._

_Derek clamped down on his thoughts. He knew the rest. He knew how finding Addison and Mark together had led him to Seattle, which had led him to Meredith. He knew how he'd deceived Meredith and hurt her. He knew, and understood now, why Meredith hadn't trusted him when they first got back together after his divorce from Addison. He understood why he'd kept trying to force Meredith's hand, tried to rush her into commitments she just wasn't ready for. It was because he'd seen how life could just vanish, how, in the blink of an eye, it could all be gone._

_It was only when they worked it out, when Derek realised that Meredith had got herself together and was as committed to the relationship as him, and he'd worked out they had time for things, that they didn't have to do everything at once, that things got better. As Derek let himself into the house he shared with Meredith he smiled. They were all but married, they were happy. Well, he thought, as he went into the living room and found her curled up on the sofa, his smile fading slightly at the thought, they were as happy as the could be, considering that two of her closest friends had just died, yet another reminder of how fleeting life was. As he leaned towards Meredith, to check if she'd dozed off, Derek hoped that the young man he'd just operated on, who now lay on life-support at the hospital, would have his own chance to find happiness, and that he wouldn't waste almost half his life before he found it._

_As Derek moved towards her, Meredith turned to face him, uncurling herself from the position she'd been in on the sofa. She stretched slightly, shaking out her cramped muscles. "Hey," she leaned towards Derek for a soft kiss, which he gave, taking her face in his hands. "How did your surgery go?" She smiled, her eyes showing her confidence in him as a surgeon and concern for him as her boyfriend. She knew better than anyone how he hated losing patients, how much he couldn't stand to fail._

_Derek moved to sit next to Meredith on the sofa. She immediately dumped her feet in his lap. It was a strangely intimate gesture, one that made it obvious how comfortable she was with him. He liked it. He sighed, partly in reaction to her question, the thought of the young man in the hospital coming back to him, but also because of the comfort she gave him, even with the simple action of sitting on the sofa with him with her feet in his lap._

"_It took a lot longer than I expected," he explained. "An eighteen year old new driver who thought it would be a good idea to break the speed limit and not wear a seatbelt."_

"_Did he make it?" Meredith frowned anxiously, leaning towards him slightly._

_Derek nodded and Meredith sat back again, sighing in relief. "He came through the surgery, but he's on life-support. If he survives the night he's got a chance, but he was such a mess Meredith, even if he survives I don't know...." Derek knew he didn't need to finish the thought. Meredith would get it._

_Meredith suddenly took her feet out of Derek's lap. She shifted, putting her feet on the floor and moving closer to him, resting her head against him. He slipped an arm around her, pulling her closer so that the top of her head was beneath his chin. Bowing his head, he inhaled the scent of her hair._

"_You did everything you could," Meredith said, after several moments of silence. Derek knew she meant it._

_Minutes passed, a number of long, peaceful minutes, where all Derek sensed was the slight weight of Meredith's body against him and the warm scent of her hair. It was funny, he thought, lavender was supposed to make people feel sleepy, relaxed. He remembered his mother saying it years ago. With him it had exactly the opposite effect. It made him feel alert, alive, right down to his bones. It gave him comfort, sure, but not in a way that induced sleep. No, with him it threw his senses into overdrive, made everything sharper, clearer than they'd ever been before. Or, he thought, was it her? Did she make him feel like that? He knew the answer without even asking the question. With her he could breathe…Without her….Well, he never wanted to be without her._

"_Alex is still upstairs." Meredith spoke, breaking the silence._

_Derek nodded, responding almost automatically. Then, when he realised what she'd said, he sighed. He'd almost forgotten Alex Karev lived in the same house. With all the time Alex spent at the hospital lately with Izzie Stevens, he'd got used to being alone with Meredith. He had to admit that he liked having her all to himself, even if the circumstances weren't the best._

"_He got back while you were at the hospital," Meredith went on, sitting up and turning to put her feet back in Derek's lap. "He wouldn't talk to me, he just went upstairs and locked himself in Izzie's room. We sat on the stairs and waited, but he didn't come out, and then Cristina had to go, and I felt stupid sitting on the stairs all by myself and…."_

"_You sat on the stairs waiting for Alex to come out of Izzie's room?" His brain caught up with his ears at last._

_Meredith gave him her 'stupid brain man' face, the look she kept for the times when he'd done something too ridiculous for words. 'Well, we couldn't just leave him, could we? I mean, it wasn't like we could go in there and sit with him, or drag him up off the floor to change his prom clothes or…"_

"_What are you talking about?" Derek thought he was good at interpreting Meredith's rambling, but he was starting to get the feeling he'd missed something. Something important._

_Meredith suddenly realised that she wasn't making any sense. Derek didn't know what she was talking about because he wasn't there when Denny died. "When Denny died Izzie came home from the hospital and shut herself in the bathroom. We were sitting Shiva for Denny, because Cristina said she knew how to do Shiva. We kept going in and talking to her. She was still in her prom dress, lying there on the bathroom floor. She asked me where Denny was and she asked me why she was alone."_

_Meredith's words made Derek's heart ache. "What did you say to her?" He asked the question softly, instinctively putting his arms around her feet, as if the gesture would help. It brought a faint smile to Meredith's lips. "I told her she wasn't alone, and after a while she got up."_

_Derek smiled in response to the look on Meredith's face. "That was the night I told you I love you for the first time, wasn't it?"_

_Meredith smiled wider, her eyes shining with the memory. "It was, it was after you'd spent the day in quarantine with George." She giggled._

"_I was an idiot that night." _

_Meredith's face dropped instantly. "You what?" She glared and went to take her feet off his lap._

_Derek realised straight away that she'd misunderstood him. "Not for saying it," he corrected himself, placing Meredith's feet back down and holding them tighter. "I was an idiot for giving you time, letting you choose, me or Finn. I was stupid, because I knew what I wanted, but I still couldn't say it. It never even occurred to me that in doing that I was sending you another signal that I couldn't make up my mind, or maybe that I wasn't in this, that I would go again. I was trying to be fair to you, to give you a chance, but if I'd just stepped up and told you what I wanted, maybe it wouldn't have all gone wrong again. I was really stupid."_

_Meredith took in Derek's words, her mind going back to that moment when she was clearing up from sitting Shiva all day. She remembered how she'd turned around and saw Derek in the doorway of her kitchen, standing there, watching her. She remembered the feeling when he said the words, "I'm in love with you, I've been in love with you forever." _

_For a second she'd believed it. For one amazing moment everything she'd spent months waiting for was right there, almost within reach. Then, when he told her that he was giving her time, that she had a choice to make, it all disappeared. Even when he admitted that when he'd had a choice to make, he'd chosen wrong, that feeling didn't come back. All it did was serve as a reminder of what had happened, that he'd left her to try again with his marriage. Part of her had known he was saying he was sorry that night, he'd admitted he'd made the wrong choice, but what his words told her was that all the pain she'd been through while she waited for him to make up his mind had been for nothing. If he'd just made the right choice from the start, the choice he'd apparently wanted, none of the rest of it would have happened. They would have been together, she would have been happy, and she wouldn't have spent months feeling like she was nothing but a copy of her mother. Looking back on it now, she could see why, when they did eventually get back together after Addison, it didn't work out. The past was still there, his mistake in choosing Addison over her, and her damaged childhood, until, in the end, it took her almost dying and pushing him away, to his distancing himself and then demanding a commitment, which sent him searching for it with Rose and made Meredith turn to a Counsellor, to get them back on track. Well, she thought, better than on track. They were happy. Really happy._

_After a moment when neither of them spoke or moved, the only sounds in the room coming from the fire, the logs cracking in the heat, and a clock that ticked the seconds away, Meredith spoke._

"_It did take me a long time to get over what happened, you going back to Addison and all the rest of it, but it took me a long time to stop holding it against you too. It took a while for me to realise that I'm not my mother, and that she didn't just want me to focus on surgery and forget to live. She wanted the things for me that she didn't have. It took a long time to work that out, to realise that I could have things, so when I realised and you did things right, breaking up with Rose before we did more than kissing, I knew we would be okay. I was scared for a while after Jen died, when you threw my ring into the woods, but I knew I couldn't give up, not after everything that had happened and how far we'd come."_

_Derek smiled wistfully. He didn't quite know how this conversation had started. One minute they were talking about Alex, who, for all he knew, was still shut away upstairs. The next they'd opened up all the old wounds, lifted the lid on everything that used to be between them. It was amazing how easy it was. In the past they wouldn't have been able to talk like this. One of them would have run off or argued, or maybe tried to change the subject and pretend everything was fine, until all the things that prevented them being happy for so long got bigger and bigger. Now they were talking, working things out, sharing things. It felt good._

_Derek sat there, cradling Meredith's feet, while he looked into her eyes. She looked exhausted. Not sleeping the previous night, spending most of the day on the stairs waiting for Alex, the sheer weight of the loss of her friends, made her look worn, but underneath that, deep in her eyes, he saw her strength. She'd never looked more beautiful to him._

"_You do know," Derek said, after clearing his throat, a gesture, he realised, that made him sound nervous, which was crazy. He tried again. "You do know that I love you more than anything else in the world, don't you? You do know that if I was in Karev's shoes right now, I….Well, I…" _

_He stopped speaking, had to swallow hard to control the wave of feelings that came over him. His mind went back to those hours after Meredith drowned, hours when he didn't know if she was ever coming back, or how he would go on if she didn't. He looked at Meredith, her eyes were brimming with tears. She shifted again, resting once again on his chest. He put his arms around her, held her close and inhaled the scent of her hair._

"_That's why I was so set on Izzie having that surgery." Derek went on, steadying himself, taking comfort from the woman in his arms. "Alex asked me what I would do if it was you, if you had a tumour that would kill you if it wasn't removed, but removing it might make you lose your memory, it might make you forget me. He asked me what I would do and I didn't even think about it. I told him that I would ask you to have the surgery. I didn't tell him that it was because I could live with it if you couldn't remember, but if you weren't there at all I…..I don't think I could live without you. I tried, more than once, and I was lucky, I got you back, but if I ever lost you again….I just….Meredith I do love you, you do know that?" He eased her away slightly and looked into her eyes._

"_Yes, I know that. I love you too, you know?"_

_The hopeful look in her eyes broke him. He nodded; unable to speak, he pulled her back against his body and held her, both of them crying softly, for Alex, for Izzie, for George, but also for themselves. For all the time they'd lost, and for how much they'd overcome to get to this._

_When they'd both stopped crying, Meredith eased herself out of Derek's arms. She stood and then turned to him, holding out her hand. "Come on, take me to bed,"_

_Derek rose, slipping his hand into Meredith's. "Do you think you'll be able to sleep tonight?" His eyes filled with concern._

_To Derek's surprise, Meredith turned to face him. "I wasn't planning on sleeping, not for a while." She fixed her gaze with his._

_Derek's eyebrows arched while he tried to tell the rest of his body not to react to her words. Meredith must be tired, he reasoned, she needed to rest. "Look, you didn't get any sleep last night, you must be exhausted, you don't have to…." He stopped talking when Meredith pressed herself up against him. The control he was gaining over the rest of his body started to slip away._

"_You've just told me that you love me more than anything else in the world, so now I'm asking you to take me to bed and show me. Besides, I think we've put off our wedding night long enough, don't you?" _

_All the time she was speaking, Meredith was looking into his eyes. "We can wait for that, I told you, there's plenty of time." He tried to be reasonable, to care for her, but all the time his body was starting to betray him. He wanted her and she knew it._

"_Derek, please."_

_It wasn't the words that did it. It was the way she said it. It wasn't sexy, well, it was, he told himself, Meredith reading the phone book would be sexy, but it wasn't that. It was the way she looked at him, her voice steady, certain, completely sure of herself, and him, definitely sure of him, even after all the times he'd failed her. Her eyes shone with….Desire, yes. Need, yes. Above that though, far above, was love. There was also something else, something celebratory. A look that said that George and Izzie might be gone, but they were still there, closer than ever, loving each other, even through this, and she wanted to celebrate that. That was definitely what did it._

_Derek took Meredith's hand and led her up the stairs._

**A/N Well, I know it has been a long time coming, but I love this chapter! I know it sounds a bit mixed up, and some of you will think that Meredith and Derek don't appear to care for Alex, but that isn't true, which I will show in later chapters. What I'm trying to show is how a loss can sometimes open doors for things to be said, things that maybe should have been said ages ago. I thought about that and felt that the best way for that was to get Meredith and Derek to talk about their past and deal with some of their baggage. The thing is, since Rose and the counselling, I think that process is easier, because Meredith and Derek start off knowing they are together now and they trust each other like never before.**

**I also wanted to examine the depths of Derek's feelings for Meredith. The scene when Alex was asking him what he would do really struck me, together with the idea that Derek would remind Meredith every day who he was if she got Alzheimer's. I put the two ideas together and came up with the thought that Derek could deal with Meredith losing her awareness of who he was, but the thought of her not being there at all, that is something else, something he can't deal with.**

**I also wanted to get a glimpse of Derek. The motorbike accident came to mind. It occurred to me that the Derek who used to want everything yesterday, especially in terms of commitment from Meredith, could have been established really early on. Maybe, if he'd had the idea he might have died in the accident, it triggered off something, a realisation that life is short and has to be lived, but that this also has its problems.**

**Anyway, I really do hope that my long lay-off hasn't killed my ability to get reviews. I would love it if you let me know what you think of this. Remember, I tend to write faster when I have lots of reviews. More soon.**


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